friends, i have just recovered from the plague.
maybe that's being a little dramatic. let me try again.
i find myself on the other side of a deep, feverish wood, which was speckled with swirling wooziness, flashes of "the west wing," new york magazine crossword puzzles, heartache-laden daisies, and temperature-dominated dreams.
still too dramatic?
oh well, what can i say? i have a flare from the dramatic.
maybe the third time's the charm. let me try this one last time:
Welcome, February 3rd. I am so glad to see you!
yes, that's much better.
i'm sorry i haven't written for a while, but i was struck with a rather intense case of the flu, one that left me in bed heaving and hacking for nearly a week straight. (a week straight?! i know, it was crazy!) but today (HOORAY!) was my first fever-free day in 6 days. if i prayed to jesus i would sing halllllellluuuujah! since i don't, i will just smile here and write a wee manifesto. what can i say, i have had a lot of time to myself over the past week! bear with me...
***
when i was a freshman in college i got really sick second semester. after completing a rather drawn-out sinus infection, i took a walk around the young, springy streets of the east village with my friend sean. we strolled around with MUD iced coffees and laughed a lot that day, i recall fondly. and when the sun hit me at a perfect angle i remember opening my arms widely, tilting my head skywards, announcing to sean that THAT day was the best of my life. i had never appreciated being healthy and alive as much as i did on THAT day.
***(this was the song that was played on serious repeat in the days to come:)***
a few days later, i opened my email to find that sean had written me a short story about a boy who longed to get sick so that he could feel the absolute perfection of being well again. he wrote about how the boy had forever fought getting sick: taking vitamins, exercising, using hand sanitizer ferociously, etc. until the day the flu took over his body and he was forced to surrender. upon feeling well again, he realized the complete journey his body and mind had gone through and the splendor of feeling well again. (in addition to the story he wrote me a one line note: "dear arielle, here's to the last day of being sick in bed and the first day dancing down the lane." CHEEESSY as this sounds, it really touched me and made me cry. duh. you already knew i was a sap, so don't roll your eyes for too long).
I share this anecdote because this winter, for me, has had a rather feverish quality to it: swooping, soaring highs accompanied by some rather powerful lows.
i have seen the best and worst sides of myself come out in full force and mind you, ari-jekyll and ari-hyde have shown their faces mere days apart from one another. yikes! and i have worked against myself; i have pushed so hard for one outcome or another, for "being ok" when i've not been ready or for "being tentative" when i'd rather dance.
And here i stand, on the other side of it all.
i stand in february's quiet. finally. thankfully.
here it is: the calm allowance to just be: to hibernate, tenderly taking time to myself when i need to be soothed; saying "shhhhhhush" to the world when i need to simply shut the f*** up.
alternatively, i feel no need to cautiously protect myself like a little shell-less-turtle when i want to go out and play. there is no MUST any which-way.
it is PURELY, simply about taking the moments as they come: no more forcing, muscling, pushing to DO any right or wrong thing...
here's to the peaceful continuation of the winter and the many layers of snow these gray february clouds choose to deposit upon brooklyn's streets.
here's to nooking in now
better enabling a full bloom come the spring.
to rest and play, love and light
xxa
